SQUIDWARD'S LIFE
by SpiritedChild
Summary: We all know how Squidward is always getting the bad end of the deal because of Spongebob. In this story, Squidward gets everything he's ever wanted. A nicer house, a better job, and a girlfriend. He also still stays friends with Spongebob in the process.
1. Squilli

**AS WEIRD AS THIS SOUNDS, I WANTED TO MAKE A SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS FANFICTION! AS WE ALL KNOW, SQUIDWARD IS ALWAYS GETTING THE SOUR END OF THE DEAL! NO WANDER HE'S ALWAYS SO GRUMPY! IN THIS FANFIC, SQUIDWARD TURNS OUT ON TOP FOR ONCE! HE GETS EVERYTHING HE EVER WANTED AND SPONGEBOB DOESN'T RUIN IT FOR HIM! **

**AT FIRST, THINGS WILL SEEM NORMAL, IT WILL CHANGE WITHIN THE FIRST OR SECOND CHAPTER. SORRY FOR THE SPELLING. I THINK MY BRAIN FRIED ITSELF WHEN I WASN'T LOOKING.**

**DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING. ENJOY.**

**SQUIDWARD'S LIFE:**

Squidward's POV:

Tomarrow is the final day to renew my driver's license before I'll have to retake a course of boating school to do it. We wouldn't want that to happen so I'll be renuing it after work today. As not-so-bad as that sounds, you're completely wrong. Spongebob, my annoying neighbor, is in boating school. I have to see that yellow menace at work, at home, everywhere! He never leaves me alone! If I had to see him there too, I'd die! The idiot honestly thinks I'm his friend! Sigh...I guess he is my friend in a way. At least my only friend.

No one else wants to be my friend because I'm always so grumpy. That would be spongebob's fault too. I'm really a nice guy if you give me a chance. The only things that really make me frown are working at my awful, underpaid job and, of course, seeing Spongebob. I really need to find a different job. Speak of the devil, I can hear his annoying voice outside my window. I live right next door to him, not even ten feet away. Sigh...I really need to move too.

My wrist watch's alarm began to beep. I guess it's time for work. I put on my uniform, a hat with an anchor logo on it, and my name tag. I pulled my boat out of my garage around back and began my drive. Out of my rearview mirror, I could see spongebob fastly aproaching on his uni-bike. Crap! This guy really needs to get his own life!

"Hey Squidy!" He yelled when he was in hearing distance. "Hey Squid! Wait up!"

I sped up. So did he. I went all the way to fifty-five in a forty-five zone. When I was absolutely sure I had lost him, I slowed back down. Too bad for me, a cop had radared me while I was still speeding. He clicked on his siren and started trailing me down. I sighed in misery. As I pulled over, spongebob zoomed by on his bike and made it to work on time.

The cop that pulled me over happened to be the husband of that aweful old woman who almost shut down the Krusty Krab. He got out of his police cruzer and made his way to the side of my car. "Sir? Are you aware you were going ten over the speedlimit?"

"I-I'm sorry sir! I honestly didn't mean to!" I tried to reason. If it was the last thing I do, Spongebob would pay for this.

"Let me see your license and registration." I gave it to him. He brought out his issuing booklet. "I'll be having to issue you a speeding ticket and I see that you're pushing the time they're giving you to renue your license."

"I'm sorry officer. I just get paid so little at my work and it takes me a few paychecks to afford some things."

"Keeping things about your car up-to-date is as important as paying bills son. I will also have to have you take a corispondance course at the local boating school to make up for it." He ordered, giving me my license, registration, and my ticket.

"Put I still had one day...!" He walked back to his police cruzer as I yelled this.

"Stay out of trouble." And he drove away.

This just isn't my day...the one thing I tried to avoid happened. I would have to take an entire course of boating school. Oh no! What else about my car tipped him off. I remembered that I still needed to change my tires and the oil. My validation sticker needed renued soon too. I should leave work during lunch and handle all these things.

I started my car again and drove the twenty feet to work. I parked and shoved my ticket in my dash. Once inside, I cringed, prepared to take a yelling from my unreasonable boss about being late. Spongebob was talking him up at the moment. I thought it a good time to sneak past him and get behind the register before he noticed. I had almost succeeded in doing so but Spongebob took that moment to turn to me.

"Hi Squidward!" He sang in a sing-songy voice.

"Mr. Squidward! Why are ya late me bucko? What if someone had shown up while you were lazing about this morning?"

"It was spongebob's fault Mr. Krabs! He was chasing me, then the speed, and then the sirens, and then the cop and that ticket!"

"Calm down Mr. Squidward! It isn't spongebob's fault you got a ticket. You need to learn to abide by the rules of the road."

I sighed, in too bad a mood to protest. I took my place behind the counter and waited for the customers to come flooding in.

The first customer was, no suprise, Patrick. "Good morning Krusty crew!"

"What can I get you Patrick?"

"I'll have uh......." this continued for several seconds. When he began to drool, I snapped my fingers infront of his face. He came back to his normal, dumb self and stared intently at the menu. How can people stand to eat this slop?! It's all garbage anyway. "I guess I'll have a krabby patty and...uh...I'll also have some krabby fries and...uh...some krabby sauce and uh..." How long is his order gonna be?! "...I guess give me a root beer too."

I wrote it down and put the order on the window string for spongebob to grill up. When I looked through the window, I couldn't see the annoying little guy anywhere.

"Spongebob! Order up!" I yelled, ringing the bell.

"Hold on a second!" He said in a way too happy voice. When he appeared again, he had hearts drawn all over his work hat.

"What is barnacles names is all over your hat?! Mr. Krabs will kill you for that!"

"Hearts Squidward! Valentines Day is in a few days and I decided to get a jump on things."

I frowned. "Just get me my order."

He had it done in record time. I handed it to Patrick and accepted his money, which was pieces of green paper with prictures of clams drawn on it. I sighed and re-embersed him by putting the money due in the register out of my own pocket. Mr. Krabs would blaime me anywhere if he found out he was short the money Patrick owed him. He walked to a table before inhaling it all in three seconds.

The line moved much faster then. It was completely boring. Or, at least it was, before a breathtaking beauty decided to grace the establishment. She was a squid like me with flowing blond hair and violet eyes. She was wearing a blue, frilly dress and appraised the restaraunt with distaste. Finally! Someone on my level! She walked up to the register. I nearly fainted.

"And what may I get you my beauty?" I attempted to flirt.

"You can give me directions to a place with edible food my good man!" She sniffed and turned her nose in distaste.

"Not many fancy places in bikini bottom. There's a fancy restaraunt across town but it's really expensive and only open at night. Are you new in town?"

"Yes I am new and I don't care how much I have to pay as long as the food actually looks like food."

"I totally agree with you!" I said. "I can't stand the food here. It's the worst you could eat."

"I see not everyone in this cultural wasteland of a town is without taste."

I smiled with all my might. "I'm Squidward. And you are..."

"Squiliana. But you can call me Squili."

"Alright Squili. So...would you like to order something? The krabby fries aren't that bad if you dip them in my special tarder sauce recipe."

"Interesting. I guess I'll take an order of krabby fries and...your special tarder sauce recipe."

"Alright. While you wait, please take a seat over at that nice table by the door."

She did and I turned to Spongebob. "Spongebob! I need an order of krabby fries and, you know that bottle of tarder sauce I made and brought here? Get it and pour it on the fries when they're done."

"Aye aye sir!" He made the order and handed it to me. I hand delivered it to her personally.

"Here you are Squilli." She gave me a look that told her to leave her alone for the time being. I smiled and went back to the register. For the first time today, things seemed to be going my way.


	2. I can live!

**HERE'S THE NEXT CHAPTER! ENJOY!**

Squidward's POV:

That evening, I finally got off work and made my way home. After Squilli finished eating earlier, she paid for her food, gave me her number, and left. I took my car to be updated in every way and called to enroll myself in a boating class while on my lunch break. It had been a really busy day so I decided to take a bubble bath instead of a shower so I could relax. When I was completely relaxed, Spongebob ruined it by turning his stereo on full blast. Tonight was Spongebob and Patrick's anual slumber party so they'd be dancing all over the place all night.

Sigh...This is the last straw! I'm gonna take all that money I have saved in an account and put it to good use. I'll use some of it to send Spongebob and Patrick somewhere so they can't intervene again when the real estate lady comes tomarrow. It's saturday tomarrow so if I send them away tomarrow morning and schedule for them not to return till sunday afternoon, I can get through with the interview and even be mostly packed by the time they return.

Once out of the bath and dressed for bed, I relaxed on the sofa and took out my shell phone.

_Ring. Ring. _"Hello! Bikini Bottom Real Estate!"

"Yes! My name is Squidward Tenticles!"

"Oh. I remember you. Your neighbors impersonated you and made your sale fall through."

"Oh no need to worry about that this time. They... moved! Yes both of them moved far away!"

"Oh really! If so, it'll be quite easy to sell your house. Would you like me to come by tomarrow?"

"Yes please."

"Saturday at noon it is."

I hung up and brought out a house magazine. It had all sorts of houses available in Bikini Bottom and in nearby cities. One in particular caught my eye. It was still in Bikini Bottom in a richer neighborhood. The house was completely affordable. It was a newer, completely remodeled, version of the one I already had. It was gorgeous! Now if only Spongebob doesn't decide to come home from his little trip early. Everything will be fine.

I made my voice sound deep and called spongebob. "Hello sir! You are the winner of the Bikini Bottom Sweepstakes!"

"Wow! What did I win!"

"What did you win? Uh...an all expenses paid vacation to Atlantis to tour Neptune's castle!"

"Wow! Can I bring a friend?"

"Ya!"

"Great! I'll bring Patrick!"

"Perfect! You'll recieve everything required to go on the trip in the mail tomarrow. Bye." I hung up.

I snuck out of my house and placed the package with the check and a couple Neptune's castle brochures I found laying around in the mail. I even included a Sunny Shore Resort Brochure to give them a hotel option for the night. That'll keep them busy. I snuck back inside and went to bed. This'll be absolutely great! Unfortunately, neither Spongebob nor Patrick decided to get a good night's sleep. The music blared all night.

The next morning, I felt completely sleep deprived. But I was in too good a mood to notice. I got dressed in my best shirt. A blue silk, button up shirt. I even bothered to put on some slacks. There is no way I'll mess this deal up by looking like a bum. I walked outside. Spongebob and Patrick were at the bus stop across the street with suitcases.

"Hey guys! What's going on?" I asked, feigning innocence.

"Spongebob won the Bikini Bottom Sweepstakes!" Patrick yelled. "We get to tour Neptune's castle and stay at Sunny Shores Resort."

"Sounds fun! You should stay as long as you want! Stick it to em good!" I joked. "Have a great time!"

"Thanks Squidward! We will!" Spongebob yelled as the bus rounded the corner.

Come on! Come on! The real estate lady will be here any minute!

They got on the bus and zoomed away. Yes! The real estate lady came in her boat mobile then. Yes! Right on time.

I ran inside my house while she was looking through my file. I heard a knock on the door. I turned on my lights real bright to show off the nice features of the house and let her in.

"Nice to meet you again Miss..."

"Miss. Summers. Very nice home you have."

"Do come in."

She appraised everything. While she was checking the bathroom, I made some tea. She greatfully took a cup and surveyed the upstairs bathroom and bedroom.

"Very nice Mr. Tentacles. Even the hall closets are impecably clean. I expecially like the quietness of the neighborhood. I see you weren't lying about not having those noisy neighbors anymore."

"Yes indeed! They moved far away!" I smiled.

"So let me see what we've got here. One spacious bedroom, one full bathroom, one half bathroom, nice kitchen, spacious living room, plenty of storage space...and I see you've got a drawing room on the top floor. Does that sum it up?"

"Yes ma'am. I've also got a spacious two-boat garage."

She checked it out as well and made her way to the backyard. I was glad I had planted those wildflowers back there. They made it look nice and covered up all the holes worms dug in my backyard last year when spongebob took home a pregnant worm. The second they got big enough, they all came to visit spongebob and tore my lawn up.

"I love it! And it's in great shape! I'm prepared to offer you eighty thousand dollars for it."

"I don't mean to barter but...only eighty..."

"Alright. Eighty-five."

"It has a wonderful neighborhood. No noisy neighbors." I said.

"Ninety..."

"Very spacious..."

"Ninety-five..."

Beautiful backyard..."

"Alright! One-hundred thousand and that's my final offer!"

"Deal!"

We shook hands. "You drive a hard bargain Mr. Tentacles. We need more people like you at the agency. Say, you don't need a job do you?"

"Actually, I was planning on quiting the one I've got..."

"Great! You start monday! Your beginning wage is $7.50 per hour."

"Wow! That's almost three times what my job pays me!"

"Oh what a joker! See you monday!" I helped her to her car and watched her drive off. Wow. It actually worked! No more Spongebob! I can start over! I can make friends and get a nice job and live!

I CAN LIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	3. THE END

**WOW! I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW MUCH I LIKE THIS STORY! GIVE ME IDEAS IF YOU WANT! I'D LIKE TO PUT SOME OF MY READER'S IDEAS IN IT! ENJOY!**

Squidward's POV:

By nine at night, I had packed everything except the bigger furniture. I hired a moving van to come by tomarrow and I also had called the owner of the house I want. They were willing to offer it to me cheap. Ninety-five thousand for sale, furniture included. I was so busy, I had forgotten to call Squilli. Oh well. I'm sure she has lots of people and things to keep her busy. I had taken apart my bed so I made up the couch for bed.

When I was all comfortable, I took out Squilli's phone number and programed it into my phone. I said it over and over until I had memorized both the number and her handwriting. Sigh...What an angel. Before I knew it, I was sound alseep.

**~THE NEXT MORNING~**

When I woke up, I felt great. I showered, dressed nicely for my interview with the owners of my new house scheduled for this afternoon, and ate breakfast. All with a big smile on my face. I couldn't stop smiling. I was even happy to see Spongebob when he came home.

The moving van had showed up a half hour before he arrived home and was already almost filled. Spongebob looked confused. "What's going on Squidward?"

I almost felt sorry for the little guy. Almost! "I'm moving!" Spongebob frowned in sadness. "I'll still be in Bikini Bottom."

"And you'll still be at work?"

"Actually no. I accepted a job closer to my new home."

"Can I visit you?''

I sighed but not even Spongebob could ruin my good mood. "If you limit it to once a week."

"Yay!" I left Spongebob and Patrick to do their happy dance while I loaded up the rest of my stuff. Just as I was about to leave, I got a phone call from Squilli.

"Hello?" I asked while getting in the pasenger side of the moving van. My boat was hooked up to the back of the van. The driver began the trip.

"Ya this is Squilli. What are you up to?"

"Moving actually. I found a house in Bikini Bottom's Fancy Living district at the Bikini Bottom Acres Suburbs."

"Oh how nice. I should visit sometime."

"Ya! That sounds great! I'm going to fix it up today and I'll be starting work at my new job at Bikini Bottom Real Estate tomarrow so how does Tuesday night at the restaraunt I told you about friday? Club Fancy."

"Sounds wonderful. But I have a better idea. Tuesday night at that posh new restaraunt. It's called Top of the Chain."

"Sounds great. See ya then."

She giggled. "See ya."

My life is great.


End file.
